Better Living Through Chemistry

It is certainly strange for a Blog that is about burgers to start off by reviewing something that isn't a burger.  Call me, "strange", but that is just what I am about to do.

Frito-Lay, the fine purveyors of many of our favorite snack items, have recently introduced a new line to the Doritos family.  The new Late Night All Nighter line includes three flavor choices; Cheeseburger, Taco, and Jalapeno Poppers.

What with Doritos being a nacho flavored, tortilla chip, the Tacos-at-Midnight seemed like a no-brainer to me.  Jalapeno Poppers flavor?  Yeah I can see that.  But Cheeseburger?  Really?

My first reaction to this was horrified curiosity.  Could Doritos actually capture the unique flavor signature of a cheeseburger?  How?  I read the ingredients.  A little beef flavor, some MSG, cheddar and swiss, some onion and mustard powders.  I was not convinced.

Having never been a fan of Doritos "other" flavor offerings beyond the original, I was reluctant to buy these.  $3.99 for a bag of something that could be the taste equivalent of a kick to the groin seemed easy to resist.  Then my local grocery store had an offer of buy 1 get 1 free on Doritos, so I decided to take on the potential intestinal bomb.

I made my purchase, a bag of the Cheeseburger flavor, and a bag of original Nacho flavor for comparison.  The smell was different upon opening the bags.  The cheeseburger was distinctively less cheesy.  I took a bite.  Hmmmmm. Odd.

The first thing that hit me was the saltiness.  That gave way to a complexity of flavor that both surprised me and impressed me.  Cheese was the next flavor to assault my worried taste buds.  Notes of what I would have sworn was ketchup and pickles suddenly danced across my taste buds.  It finished with a strong and lingering yellow mustard kick.  I didn't really get the beefy flavor of a burger patty, but the other flavors were present. 

I ate another, then another.  These weren't outstanding and would never take the place of a hot, juicy cheeseburger, but they weren't that bad.  I was shocked! I continued munching.  It must have come around chip 15 or so.  Suddenly the flavor was battering my mouth.  I was done.  It had overwhelmed my sense of taste, and I could go no further.

The next day, I set up the rematch.  The first chips this time did not produce the same experience as the day before.  It started as a "chemically" flavored, hodgepodge of competing tastes.  This was going to be a fight.  I willed myself on.  After about the tenth chip my mind screamed for me to stop.  I conceded that the Doritos had beaten me.  I could eat no more.

Since that day the package has sat, folded over in the cupboard.  The bag silently mocking me, I had been unable to will myself to eat anymore until now.  Before sitting down to write this post, I pulled the offending snack food from the shelf.  As I began to type, I ate a chip, then another. That was all I could stomach.  Upon completing this post, the final destination for the remains of this ambitious fusion of tortilla chips and cheeseburgers will be the refuse container.

Better luck next time Frito-Lay,  but this one is definitely not a keeper.